Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize