she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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