Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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