my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
