what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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