I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
