I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
