Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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