dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
