Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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