she woke up with a sticky ear
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize