The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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