there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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