She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
