Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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