My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
whose ass print is on the piano?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
