my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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