I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
