No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
