i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
