The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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