youre lurking in front of me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
