There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
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