Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I believe in your delicious
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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