Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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