my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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