You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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