did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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