our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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