Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize