Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
