loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
