Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
