You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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