My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
