She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
