I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My day in three words: secret purse cake
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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