Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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