Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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