is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
