apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
