Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
