he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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