First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
