the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize