They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
