It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
