Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
