the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
