I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Can i not drive my cunt home
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize