every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
