i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
