just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
