so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
