I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
