she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
there is glitter all over my balls
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