The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
